Sickness Does Not Equal a Deficient Human
It is not secret that I have some major health problems. Anyone who sees me even attempt to walk across a crowed room can tell. Talk to me on a phone for to long and you’ll hear it. It has a tangible affect on most people, especially those you may have called friends.
Long talks turn into short greetings. Good times turn into palatable awkward segments of time. And to some degree respect turns to pity. Some freeze up and won’t even chat through email. Others make attempts that are fleeting and far in-between. Even those close to you stop looking at you and remembering what you can do, they look and see only that you can’t. In talking with some that have similar problems as me, I’ve heard the same stories repeated.
Church going people can sometimes be the worst. Somehow on some level its your fault your sick. You lack faith, you sinned, or some other factor unseen caused your problems. It can leave to a solitary walk. A walk down a path of life that others views are forever altered by what they see and think. There lack of comfort drives them from sanity. They forget your human. Not only that you are human, but that you are exactly the same person you were before you got sick.
I think its one of the most inhumane things to do to someone. I cannot walk far on my feet, my legs falter and tire quickly. I cannot always speak with clarity, my mind lacks memory and focus many days. The pain clouds my thinking and it becomes hard to do even simplest of tasks. Things people take for granted are things I long to be able to do, and are things that require serious consideration before trying.
But in all this, I am still me. Through the pain and discomfort, through the weary legs that can barely take me across the room, my faith is still strong. In the midst of the cloudy thoughts and confusion my love for God still stands as strong as it ever has. And my desire to live life to the fullest of my ability still is strong.
Next time you see someone with an illness or disability, try thinking of them as just human. No more, no less.
The Richness of Poverty
So yesterday I went under the knife for my muscle biopsy. All and all not too an unpleasant experience. There were a few times that the local wore off and I felt the knife’s cut but it was short and they were quick to fix that.
I find myself more anxious now at the future and what the tests come out as. Will the diagnosis be confirmed? What if it isn’t confirmed? How will I continue? I have around $800 in bills due in 1 day and absolutely no way to pay them. I am nervous and scared and found myself wondering again what the point was. My wife and I were not going to put up a Christmas tree even this year. There was no point in our eyes. We’ve not the money to celebrate or even purchase food. There didn’t feel like anything to be celebrating. And in the end we did. We felt like in part this was crucial in our walk with God. To trust him and celebrate Him and what he has given us. I’m taken back again to a few scriptures.
“9 Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, 10 but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away.”
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
James 1: 9-10
This to me something God is taking home. We are low in worth in this world right now. We have nothing to hope in save God alone to save us. there is no way I can work and no money coming in at all. Yet we are still here praising God. During my surgery for the biopsy I found myself doing this verbally many times, even in the drunken stupor their drugs put me in. I was awake as they elected not to put me under for it. I found myself thanking and praising God. It was quite a nice time with the Big Guy actually.
I also keep coming back to Mathew 6: 25-34. I feel like God is setting a promise to me. To keep going and he will take care of the rest. I trust Him. And everything I feel the devil has done to me in the past year to break my faith. All the times I was so close to giving up and giving in once and for all. I haven’t, and my faith is all the more stronger for it. I cannot give up, I won’t and never will I again. I can endure this. I will stand the test with the Armor of God. The first part of this armor of God passage truly speaks to me now. When you’ve done all you can do to stand, stand firm. Here’s some Stand firm scriptures to take a look at.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saintsEphesians 6:14-18
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:58
1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. 2Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.
Galatians 5:1
When you are at your wit’s end, stand firm. When your out of your own ability and the world is coming in for the killing blow, stand firm. When there is nothing left of you, stand firm. How? God. It is so simple, yet its more complex then anything else.
I’ve seen so many Christians with so much, so many friends that have more then they know. They have great things in their life, great blessings and it is not enough. There is greed in their hearts for more. Desires unchecked for things that lead away from God. And I can admit I’ve been there a few times myself. But many are continually driven to run from God. They seek out sin as it were sustaining their life and then strike out at God asking why are they so empty and devoid of God and His presence. Not willing to turn from there miss steps they continue on their paths. It saddens me.
However I now can say when everything is taken from you, and you don’t know where your next meal will come from, and you’ve no ability to sustain yourself. This is the best, and most blessed spot to be. I am now truly rich in God, in faith, in being content and full of Joy. I am honored that God chose and allowed me to go through this time of trial and struggle. It has changed me in a way so profound that I will never be the same. But isn’t that what happens when God reaches down from heave to touch man?
In this great time of celebration and joy during this holiday season, be blessed! Merry Christmas.
Diagnosis – Mitochondrial Myopathy
So after more then just a few doctor visits, a battery of various tests, the doctors came up with a diagnosis of Mitochondrial Myopathy. I’m not entirely sure what it means yet and I will undergo a muscle biopsy to confirm the diagnosis on December 4th. Apparently its progressive, and I can see that in my father who has this as well. He is to the point it has become difficult to walk.
I’m nervous, a bit scared, and unsure what the future holds. It would help if I know more about what this will mean for me but the doctor didn’t want to talk about that till after the results from the muscle biopsy.
My parents will be moving out of Michigan, where I live as well, and be moving to a warmer climate for health reasons (my mother has a number of health problems as well). This is great, I’m very happy for them I know they’ve desired a change for some time and this will increase their quality of life. Yet I find myself having to concentrate on the things that God has taught me over the last year. I find it very hard, it feels like I’m all alone.
My friends haven’t been around much, and the prospect of loosing my family a bit daunting. I can’t get to church as it is too painful and I wouldn’t be able to sit through a whole service anyway. And my family has been my support to a large degree. But I’m optimistic this is a great time trust God and rely on Him. I can see this will grow my relationship with God a great deal. That brings me a degree of Joy. I’m anxious to know what this disease is going to mean for me and how it will affect me long term and how it may progress.
How to Deal With A Down Turned Life
So I sit here once again, contemplating life and the ends it brings me too. I’ve been too sick to work, walking is difficult and painful. I’ve had a migraine for the past week that occasionally dies down enough to function. I lost my short term disability so I’ve been unpaid for 2 weeks and I don’t know if I will have anywhere to live in 2 more and I’m unsure where how I am going to eat.
As I await the next rounds of bills and waiting for all my services to shut off, I found I’ve been through every gambit of emotion. I’ve been through doubt, fear, terror, and questioning why. My wife and I only have each other to lean on, its been too difficult and painful for me to go to church, though I’ve wanted to a number of times. My friends haven’t been around much since I’ve been ill, though I know they wish me well. And at times it has seemed like I was all on my own in this.
What’s worse is the doctors still don’t have a great idea as to what is wrong with me and if I will ever get better. Even in all of this, God has brought me to the point of feeling blessed. This isn’t to say when the pain is overwhelming that I don’t regress into other feelings, but my anchor is Christ, it is His word. And it is being blessed with what I do have.
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Matthew 6: 25-34
This scripture has given me more hope then I could ever need to endure this. I come back to this often. I come back to the fact I’ve got a beautiful wife who is the picture of God’s unwavering love. She stands by me and helps me in anything I need. She is my support and strength and for her alone, I am blessed. I could not ask for a more beautiful reminder of the Love of God in my life then her.
I would encourage everyone that is going through a rough patch in life to remember what God has given you that is good. I know this is difficult. I have at times not been able to see it. When fear and depression abound, and there seems no hope in the world it can be hard to find something that is worth holding on to. And I’ve got to say sometimes it can take days. But when you find it, hold on to it.
Finally I leave you with another scripture. This is God’s instructions for going through rough circumstances. Remember we are running a race, and we need to keep our eyes on the prize of Eternity. When we focus on the Eternal, the struggles of today are put into proper perspective.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Philippians 4: 8
