Forgett the past, Press on
I’ve long held to the desire to walk as a bondservant. That word has significant meaning to me, it always has. I see the walk of a bondservant to be of the utmost importance to a close relationship with God. Giving up our will to completely embrace the will of God, even when it seems unpleasant. To let go of driving my life and let God can complete the work He started in us. So He can use us to show His love to the people who cannot otherwise hear His voice because they are lost in their own sins and situations.
The term bondservant is something that has different meaning to all who choose to walk that path. And it is something that is ever growing and changing as God brings you through things. I won’t lie the past few months have been a very tough trip for me. Depression has been a constant adversary. I’ve been mourning all that I’ve lost. The abilities I had to do things, such as walk without pain. I was mourning my taking them for granted.
But as I finally sat down to place God’s word above myself and seek Him in it, He showed me something in a scripture that has long been a favorite of mine. He opened my eyes to something new, and thus confirming that He hasn’t left me. That I’m not to far from him to hear His voice. That He is indeed teaching me even now. Being locked up alone in your home has some adverse effects on you for long periods.
Let me share it with you friends.
12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
15Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.Philippians 3:12-15 (NKJV)
Forgetting those things that are Behind. That is very potent if you dwell on that for a minute. Forgetting past failures, success, problems, situations. Forgetting the things that you lost. Forgetting what you cannot do any longer, forgetting all the things you should have done or could have. Forgetting past sins, repent first obviously, but move on after. All that matter is the prize. All that matters is God, and His love for you and for those you are surrounded by. Forgetting that you should have walked more when you could, forgetting how you should have related to others, forgetting how you missed things that you could have done, for yourself or for God. Press on for the Mark. Press on my friends. Push forward, embrace the love of God. Embrace the fact the he loves you and that he died for you because he loves you so much. Embrace that, and live for Him.
For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:3 (NKJV)
And once you have done this, press on. And to keep the focus follow this great advice.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8 (NKJV)
Merry Christmas!
So it is Christmas. I’ve had a horrible migraine for 2 days straight that has finally let up a bit, though I’m still fighting it. Its 5am here and I won’t be sleeping. It days like this where keeping faith is at its hardest. My usually method of operation for this is to keep myself busy and not thinking. Hard to do when you’ve got a migraine and all the beautiful wonders that come with it. Halos, light sensitivity, and nausea (along with the inevitable that comes with it). Talking with any people always leads to “So what are you doing for Christmas?” or “What are you getting/giving for Christmas?”. It can be heart wrenching, and it is.
Its so hard to explain to people what I’m going through. I guess some ways I’m lucky because my father has the same disease as me (so they believe at this point not confirmed). We have the same symptoms. I can call him up when I’m frustrated and we can joke about things like how long it takes us to try and walk across the hall, or the little things that come with this that make day to day life so hard. But its not Christmas, I’m not sure it every will be again after this year it just doesn’t feel like much reason to celebrate. And I’m trying to celebrate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to go through this in most ways. It has been a learning experience like no other. I’ve grown very close in my relationship with God. But it feels like no one cares.
Family (aside from my parents who know all to well what I’m dealing with) don’t understand the complexity or the large amount of problems I have. For a while now everything I eat makes me sick. Think about that. Many times even just water can make me sick. Friends stop speaking with me because they don’t know what to say, and I think to some degree they’ll think I’ll ask for help. I won’t because I know they wouldn’t want to. Most I wouldn’t call friends beyond the level of casual conversation. All have done little to be a friend to me in rough times, accept a few fleeting minutes of conversation here and there.
So my Short Term disability didn’t even start to get reviewed till the 16th. They say 30 to 40 days to review it, even though I submitted it November 14th or so. Working on getting long term disability but even that is not working out so well. My credit cards are maxed out, and though I’ve got plenty of food thanks to my parents…I don’t know how to pay rent in 5 days. I can’t stop thinking about it, praying about it. Wondering what I’m going to do if I get homeless. No where to go, family is in another state now, some in another country. Its cold here in Michigan. I keep the faith though. Hoping in God’s word that I will not need for a place to sleep, food to eat or cloths to wear. Its my strength and my receipt of God’s miracle to come.
Always remember, keep pushing on, don’t give up. To quote a song from Six feet Deep, “Life with God is worth twice the pain of life against the grain.”
Tim
The Richness of Poverty
So yesterday I went under the knife for my muscle biopsy. All and all not too an unpleasant experience. There were a few times that the local wore off and I felt the knife’s cut but it was short and they were quick to fix that.
I find myself more anxious now at the future and what the tests come out as. Will the diagnosis be confirmed? What if it isn’t confirmed? How will I continue? I have around $800 in bills due in 1 day and absolutely no way to pay them. I am nervous and scared and found myself wondering again what the point was. My wife and I were not going to put up a Christmas tree even this year. There was no point in our eyes. We’ve not the money to celebrate or even purchase food. There didn’t feel like anything to be celebrating. And in the end we did. We felt like in part this was crucial in our walk with God. To trust him and celebrate Him and what he has given us. I’m taken back again to a few scriptures.
“9 Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, 10 but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away.”
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
James 1: 9-10
This to me something God is taking home. We are low in worth in this world right now. We have nothing to hope in save God alone to save us. there is no way I can work and no money coming in at all. Yet we are still here praising God. During my surgery for the biopsy I found myself doing this verbally many times, even in the drunken stupor their drugs put me in. I was awake as they elected not to put me under for it. I found myself thanking and praising God. It was quite a nice time with the Big Guy actually.
I also keep coming back to Mathew 6: 25-34. I feel like God is setting a promise to me. To keep going and he will take care of the rest. I trust Him. And everything I feel the devil has done to me in the past year to break my faith. All the times I was so close to giving up and giving in once and for all. I haven’t, and my faith is all the more stronger for it. I cannot give up, I won’t and never will I again. I can endure this. I will stand the test with the Armor of God. The first part of this armor of God passage truly speaks to me now. When you’ve done all you can do to stand, stand firm. Here’s some Stand firm scriptures to take a look at.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saintsEphesians 6:14-18
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:58
1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. 2Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.
Galatians 5:1
When you are at your wit’s end, stand firm. When your out of your own ability and the world is coming in for the killing blow, stand firm. When there is nothing left of you, stand firm. How? God. It is so simple, yet its more complex then anything else.
I’ve seen so many Christians with so much, so many friends that have more then they know. They have great things in their life, great blessings and it is not enough. There is greed in their hearts for more. Desires unchecked for things that lead away from God. And I can admit I’ve been there a few times myself. But many are continually driven to run from God. They seek out sin as it were sustaining their life and then strike out at God asking why are they so empty and devoid of God and His presence. Not willing to turn from there miss steps they continue on their paths. It saddens me.
However I now can say when everything is taken from you, and you don’t know where your next meal will come from, and you’ve no ability to sustain yourself. This is the best, and most blessed spot to be. I am now truly rich in God, in faith, in being content and full of Joy. I am honored that God chose and allowed me to go through this time of trial and struggle. It has changed me in a way so profound that I will never be the same. But isn’t that what happens when God reaches down from heave to touch man?
In this great time of celebration and joy during this holiday season, be blessed! Merry Christmas.
Diagnosis – Mitochondrial Myopathy
So after more then just a few doctor visits, a battery of various tests, the doctors came up with a diagnosis of Mitochondrial Myopathy. I’m not entirely sure what it means yet and I will undergo a muscle biopsy to confirm the diagnosis on December 4th. Apparently its progressive, and I can see that in my father who has this as well. He is to the point it has become difficult to walk.
I’m nervous, a bit scared, and unsure what the future holds. It would help if I know more about what this will mean for me but the doctor didn’t want to talk about that till after the results from the muscle biopsy.
My parents will be moving out of Michigan, where I live as well, and be moving to a warmer climate for health reasons (my mother has a number of health problems as well). This is great, I’m very happy for them I know they’ve desired a change for some time and this will increase their quality of life. Yet I find myself having to concentrate on the things that God has taught me over the last year. I find it very hard, it feels like I’m all alone.
My friends haven’t been around much, and the prospect of loosing my family a bit daunting. I can’t get to church as it is too painful and I wouldn’t be able to sit through a whole service anyway. And my family has been my support to a large degree. But I’m optimistic this is a great time trust God and rely on Him. I can see this will grow my relationship with God a great deal. That brings me a degree of Joy. I’m anxious to know what this disease is going to mean for me and how it will affect me long term and how it may progress.
How to Deal With A Down Turned Life
So I sit here once again, contemplating life and the ends it brings me too. I’ve been too sick to work, walking is difficult and painful. I’ve had a migraine for the past week that occasionally dies down enough to function. I lost my short term disability so I’ve been unpaid for 2 weeks and I don’t know if I will have anywhere to live in 2 more and I’m unsure where how I am going to eat.
As I await the next rounds of bills and waiting for all my services to shut off, I found I’ve been through every gambit of emotion. I’ve been through doubt, fear, terror, and questioning why. My wife and I only have each other to lean on, its been too difficult and painful for me to go to church, though I’ve wanted to a number of times. My friends haven’t been around much since I’ve been ill, though I know they wish me well. And at times it has seemed like I was all on my own in this.
What’s worse is the doctors still don’t have a great idea as to what is wrong with me and if I will ever get better. Even in all of this, God has brought me to the point of feeling blessed. This isn’t to say when the pain is overwhelming that I don’t regress into other feelings, but my anchor is Christ, it is His word. And it is being blessed with what I do have.
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Matthew 6: 25-34
This scripture has given me more hope then I could ever need to endure this. I come back to this often. I come back to the fact I’ve got a beautiful wife who is the picture of God’s unwavering love. She stands by me and helps me in anything I need. She is my support and strength and for her alone, I am blessed. I could not ask for a more beautiful reminder of the Love of God in my life then her.
I would encourage everyone that is going through a rough patch in life to remember what God has given you that is good. I know this is difficult. I have at times not been able to see it. When fear and depression abound, and there seems no hope in the world it can be hard to find something that is worth holding on to. And I’ve got to say sometimes it can take days. But when you find it, hold on to it.
Finally I leave you with another scripture. This is God’s instructions for going through rough circumstances. Remember we are running a race, and we need to keep our eyes on the prize of Eternity. When we focus on the Eternal, the struggles of today are put into proper perspective.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Philippians 4: 8
