So it is Christmas. I’ve had a horrible migraine for 2 days straight that has finally let up a bit, though I’m still fighting it. Its 5am here and I won’t be sleeping. It days like this where keeping faith is at its hardest. My usually method of operation for this is to keep myself busy and not thinking. Hard to do when you’ve got a migraine and all the beautiful wonders that come with it. Halos, light sensitivity, and nausea (along with the inevitable that comes with it). Talking with any people always leads to “So what are you doing for Christmas?” or “What are you getting/giving for Christmas?”. It can be heart wrenching, and it is.
Its so hard to explain to people what I’m going through. I guess some ways I’m lucky because my father has the same disease as me (so they believe at this point not confirmed). We have the same symptoms. I can call him up when I’m frustrated and we can joke about things like how long it takes us to try and walk across the hall, or the little things that come with this that make day to day life so hard. But its not Christmas, I’m not sure it every will be again after this year it just doesn’t feel like much reason to celebrate. And I’m trying to celebrate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to go through this in most ways. It has been a learning experience like no other. I’ve grown very close in my relationship with God. But it feels like no one cares.
Family (aside from my parents who know all to well what I’m dealing with) don’t understand the complexity or the large amount of problems I have. For a while now everything I eat makes me sick. Think about that. Many times even just water can make me sick. Friends stop speaking with me because they don’t know what to say, and I think to some degree they’ll think I’ll ask for help. I won’t because I know they wouldn’t want to. Most I wouldn’t call friends beyond the level of casual conversation. All have done little to be a friend to me in rough times, accept a few fleeting minutes of conversation here and there.
So my Short Term disability didn’t even start to get reviewed till the 16th. They say 30 to 40 days to review it, even though I submitted it November 14th or so. Working on getting long term disability but even that is not working out so well. My credit cards are maxed out, and though I’ve got plenty of food thanks to my parents…I don’t know how to pay rent in 5 days. I can’t stop thinking about it, praying about it. Wondering what I’m going to do if I get homeless. No where to go, family is in another state now, some in another country. Its cold here in Michigan. I keep the faith though. Hoping in God’s word that I will not need for a place to sleep, food to eat or cloths to wear. Its my strength and my receipt of God’s miracle to come.
Always remember, keep pushing on, don’t give up. To quote a song from Six feet Deep, “Life with God is worth twice the pain of life against the grain.”