Thoughts

Its amazing to me when things get hectic I tend to become more focused.  More focused on things and get in a tendency of evaluating where I am and where I once wanted to be.  There are times where you look at your life realized 10 years have passed and wonder what happened to the time.  What happened to the dreams of ministry and helping people.  What happened to the zealous Kid who sought to change the world with God’s love and how did he get to be the overstressed overworked man he is today.  I first took my current job over 6 years ago.  I graduated Bible school and was told be prepared to wait.  I thought maybe a few years maybe something a little more.  now nearly 10 years latter I’m wondering what happened. 

Going over some of the last few roads my life turns have taken me is a bit tough.  Where do you judge your actions on things you cannot change 10 years latter.  Where does regret end and forgiveness of oneself begin.  Why did I give up dreams and goals that were so close to do something now ten years latter I’m further away from reaching.  And you have to ask yourself is God using this to train me or teach me something.  I tend to be vague on my blog in some resepects but lets be real here today.  I’ve not stepped foot in a church for nearly 2 years.  How can I claim to walk with God then?  Simply I don’t claim I’m perfect.  But I do pray and study god’s word.  But in many respects I just got sick of being pushed away by the church crowd.

I’ve been to most of the churches in my area.  I’ve looked for a home to call my “home church” with group of people I can trust and walk with. But it escapes me.  Last church I was in and a member of had some real issues.  I’ve had almost dailly migranes for past 4 years.  It wears on you, you walk around you look angry, not that I am I’m just in pain.  I deal with it.  The long hair and tattoos don’t help.  Nor does my stance that no pastor will have so much access to “teaching” me that I won’t line every word up to God’s word and in prayer.  That’s not cause I don’t trust them.  Its because in the end I have to make account for for my life not him.  Its also because I won’t get ownership of the lessons I’m learning if I don’t.  It will go in one ear and out the other and a week latter I’ll barely recall the lesson.  I’m not about that type of walk with God.  Its not who I am.

People ask me, “so what church do you attend”.  Normal answer is I’m looking.  Lets be real I’m not.  I gave up.  I gave up when every time I walk into a church advertising acceptance and friendliness I’m greeted with your a sinner and need to get saved because they judge me based on first impressions and appearnces.  Before you say well let them get to know you, did that too, attended a church for two years, met with pastor every other week for lunch.  Two years latter he rattled off who I was that was such a misconception of my character and who I am that its all I can do yet today to get myself to walk through the doors of a church.  And every time I do I’m confronted by the same attitudes.

The thing that so shocks me is that Jesus was a man filled with such love.  He loved the unlovable.  He smiled, hugged and ate with those who were the untouchables of his day.  He didn’t judge them for who they were, more he showed them a way to who they could be.  James talks of not showing partiality to those who walk into a gathering.  It talks of treating each one the same with a matter of love who’s source can only flow from the divine.  I long for that church and that home where I can begin to walk with others again.  Perhaps this is God reawakening things in me to restore me to who he wants me to be.  I pray I am plyable enough, willing to learn enough, and willing to walk after Him enough to get there.

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