Truth and Transpanency of How I Feel at Times.

It’s getting harder to distract myself from the pain.  The worries mount like silent avengers seeking to pay me back for all the past wrongs I perceive I’ve done.  I invent ways to punish myself because the perceived guilt I feel for my worthlessness.   And still in all this I fight.  The storm rages around me and shreds the very flesh from my bones serving it up to be burnt and electrocuted all while I some how still feel; the storm rages and I sit and silently accuse myself of all the perceived worthlessness I feel.  I somehow deserve this pain.  Somehow this is my fault and I need to let it happen.  All those years ago when my father took me aside as a small child and told me life was going to be pain agony and misery, all those years ago he was right, I deserve this.  This is my fate.   And so I let the mountain of guilt and pain suffocate me to the brink of death till once again an ember inside my soul fights and rebels.  NO! I am not the cast off child of shame that my parents claimed me to be, I am not any less deserving of life, love and liberty then those around me!  NO! I am not less than human and I can still have my dreams if I fight.

And slowly I crawl up from the pit I’ve descended in.  I claw and fight to see the day once again.  And I dust myself off and do what I can to fight.  But it isn’t enough.  And slowly I loose the strength that’s not really there.  Slowly I realize a year has passed and I’m sitting in the same chair.  Slowly I realized the physical pain from my disease has gotten worse and I’ve not been able to even sleep in my own bed even a full night.  I try to relate the pain I’m in, I try to scream and cry for help.

There is no help.  And there never can be.  What can others do to save you from your own body, from the torments of your own flesh long conspiring against you with your human failings, weaknesses, and bad luggage of life?  What can they do to take the pain of your flesh away?  But they sit beside you and cry with you and hold you through the worst.  They silently stoke the embers of strength that still burn deep within your soul that they might be there in there time of greatest need.  And so the cycles of my life turn once again.  Another year passes, another tear falls and I’m lost still in it all.  Ever the dreamer, never the doer I will continue this silent fight till my savior calls me to the rest I crave so much, wither it be in this life or the one beyond.  I will continue to fight till the last breath releases from this tired pain filled body.

 

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