Merry Christmas!
So it is Christmas. I’ve had a horrible migraine for 2 days straight that has finally let up a bit, though I’m still fighting it. Its 5am here and I won’t be sleeping. It days like this where keeping faith is at its hardest. My usually method of operation for this is to keep myself busy and not thinking. Hard to do when you’ve got a migraine and all the beautiful wonders that come with it. Halos, light sensitivity, and nausea (along with the inevitable that comes with it). Talking with any people always leads to “So what are you doing for Christmas?” or “What are you getting/giving for Christmas?”. It can be heart wrenching, and it is.
Its so hard to explain to people what I’m going through. I guess some ways I’m lucky because my father has the same disease as me (so they believe at this point not confirmed). We have the same symptoms. I can call him up when I’m frustrated and we can joke about things like how long it takes us to try and walk across the hall, or the little things that come with this that make day to day life so hard. But its not Christmas, I’m not sure it every will be again after this year it just doesn’t feel like much reason to celebrate. And I’m trying to celebrate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to go through this in most ways. It has been a learning experience like no other. I’ve grown very close in my relationship with God. But it feels like no one cares.
Family (aside from my parents who know all to well what I’m dealing with) don’t understand the complexity or the large amount of problems I have. For a while now everything I eat makes me sick. Think about that. Many times even just water can make me sick. Friends stop speaking with me because they don’t know what to say, and I think to some degree they’ll think I’ll ask for help. I won’t because I know they wouldn’t want to. Most I wouldn’t call friends beyond the level of casual conversation. All have done little to be a friend to me in rough times, accept a few fleeting minutes of conversation here and there.
So my Short Term disability didn’t even start to get reviewed till the 16th. They say 30 to 40 days to review it, even though I submitted it November 14th or so. Working on getting long term disability but even that is not working out so well. My credit cards are maxed out, and though I’ve got plenty of food thanks to my parents…I don’t know how to pay rent in 5 days. I can’t stop thinking about it, praying about it. Wondering what I’m going to do if I get homeless. No where to go, family is in another state now, some in another country. Its cold here in Michigan. I keep the faith though. Hoping in God’s word that I will not need for a place to sleep, food to eat or cloths to wear. Its my strength and my receipt of God’s miracle to come.
Always remember, keep pushing on, don’t give up. To quote a song from Six feet Deep, “Life with God is worth twice the pain of life against the grain.”
Tim
The Richness of Poverty
So yesterday I went under the knife for my muscle biopsy. All and all not too an unpleasant experience. There were a few times that the local wore off and I felt the knife’s cut but it was short and they were quick to fix that.
I find myself more anxious now at the future and what the tests come out as. Will the diagnosis be confirmed? What if it isn’t confirmed? How will I continue? I have around $800 in bills due in 1 day and absolutely no way to pay them. I am nervous and scared and found myself wondering again what the point was. My wife and I were not going to put up a Christmas tree even this year. There was no point in our eyes. We’ve not the money to celebrate or even purchase food. There didn’t feel like anything to be celebrating. And in the end we did. We felt like in part this was crucial in our walk with God. To trust him and celebrate Him and what he has given us. I’m taken back again to a few scriptures.
“9 Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, 10 but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away.”
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
James 1: 9-10
This to me something God is taking home. We are low in worth in this world right now. We have nothing to hope in save God alone to save us. there is no way I can work and no money coming in at all. Yet we are still here praising God. During my surgery for the biopsy I found myself doing this verbally many times, even in the drunken stupor their drugs put me in. I was awake as they elected not to put me under for it. I found myself thanking and praising God. It was quite a nice time with the Big Guy actually.
I also keep coming back to Mathew 6: 25-34. I feel like God is setting a promise to me. To keep going and he will take care of the rest. I trust Him. And everything I feel the devil has done to me in the past year to break my faith. All the times I was so close to giving up and giving in once and for all. I haven’t, and my faith is all the more stronger for it. I cannot give up, I won’t and never will I again. I can endure this. I will stand the test with the Armor of God. The first part of this armor of God passage truly speaks to me now. When you’ve done all you can do to stand, stand firm. Here’s some Stand firm scriptures to take a look at.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saintsEphesians 6:14-18
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:58
1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. 2Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.
Galatians 5:1
When you are at your wit’s end, stand firm. When your out of your own ability and the world is coming in for the killing blow, stand firm. When there is nothing left of you, stand firm. How? God. It is so simple, yet its more complex then anything else.
I’ve seen so many Christians with so much, so many friends that have more then they know. They have great things in their life, great blessings and it is not enough. There is greed in their hearts for more. Desires unchecked for things that lead away from God. And I can admit I’ve been there a few times myself. But many are continually driven to run from God. They seek out sin as it were sustaining their life and then strike out at God asking why are they so empty and devoid of God and His presence. Not willing to turn from there miss steps they continue on their paths. It saddens me.
However I now can say when everything is taken from you, and you don’t know where your next meal will come from, and you’ve no ability to sustain yourself. This is the best, and most blessed spot to be. I am now truly rich in God, in faith, in being content and full of Joy. I am honored that God chose and allowed me to go through this time of trial and struggle. It has changed me in a way so profound that I will never be the same. But isn’t that what happens when God reaches down from heave to touch man?
In this great time of celebration and joy during this holiday season, be blessed! Merry Christmas.
