So I’ve got a cat…revisited
So my cat, so pictured above once again, didn’t seem like a precious too me. her personality is more of a Bubba. Hence I embarked on the task of renaming her. Bubba. Strange but totally fits the cat. And she responds too it now. Cat’s grown on me. Still more of a dog person but this cat I like. She deffinately has her own mind on things and doesn’t have a problem letting you know it. For those who might not remember we adopted her from humaine society with name of Precious. Just don’t feel right calling something precious. haha. Bubba is much better.
Thoughts
Its amazing to me when things get hectic I tend to become more focused. More focused on things and get in a tendency of evaluating where I am and where I once wanted to be. There are times where you look at your life realized 10 years have passed and wonder what happened to the time. What happened to the dreams of ministry and helping people. What happened to the zealous Kid who sought to change the world with God’s love and how did he get to be the overstressed overworked man he is today. I first took my current job over 6 years ago. I graduated Bible school and was told be prepared to wait. I thought maybe a few years maybe something a little more. now nearly 10 years latter I’m wondering what happened.
Going over some of the last few roads my life turns have taken me is a bit tough. Where do you judge your actions on things you cannot change 10 years latter. Where does regret end and forgiveness of oneself begin. Why did I give up dreams and goals that were so close to do something now ten years latter I’m further away from reaching. And you have to ask yourself is God using this to train me or teach me something. I tend to be vague on my blog in some resepects but lets be real here today. I’ve not stepped foot in a church for nearly 2 years. How can I claim to walk with God then? Simply I don’t claim I’m perfect. But I do pray and study god’s word. But in many respects I just got sick of being pushed away by the church crowd.
I’ve been to most of the churches in my area. I’ve looked for a home to call my “home church” with group of people I can trust and walk with. But it escapes me. Last church I was in and a member of had some real issues. I’ve had almost dailly migranes for past 4 years. It wears on you, you walk around you look angry, not that I am I’m just in pain. I deal with it. The long hair and tattoos don’t help. Nor does my stance that no pastor will have so much access to “teaching” me that I won’t line every word up to God’s word and in prayer. That’s not cause I don’t trust them. Its because in the end I have to make account for for my life not him. Its also because I won’t get ownership of the lessons I’m learning if I don’t. It will go in one ear and out the other and a week latter I’ll barely recall the lesson. I’m not about that type of walk with God. Its not who I am.
People ask me, “so what church do you attend”. Normal answer is I’m looking. Lets be real I’m not. I gave up. I gave up when every time I walk into a church advertising acceptance and friendliness I’m greeted with your a sinner and need to get saved because they judge me based on first impressions and appearnces. Before you say well let them get to know you, did that too, attended a church for two years, met with pastor every other week for lunch. Two years latter he rattled off who I was that was such a misconception of my character and who I am that its all I can do yet today to get myself to walk through the doors of a church. And every time I do I’m confronted by the same attitudes.
The thing that so shocks me is that Jesus was a man filled with such love. He loved the unlovable. He smiled, hugged and ate with those who were the untouchables of his day. He didn’t judge them for who they were, more he showed them a way to who they could be. James talks of not showing partiality to those who walk into a gathering. It talks of treating each one the same with a matter of love who’s source can only flow from the divine. I long for that church and that home where I can begin to walk with others again. Perhaps this is God reawakening things in me to restore me to who he wants me to be. I pray I am plyable enough, willing to learn enough, and willing to walk after Him enough to get there.
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Lessons in patience and Reliance on God
Its amazing to me the Lessons God can teach you, and what lengths He is willing to go through to get you to learn something. Often times I find myself hard headed. Very hard headed. More and more I find that as God begins to teach me a lesson, if I am unwilling or not seeing it to begin with, or perhaps I just find my actions unyeilding to applying the lessons; I find that God begins to increase the difficulty level till it reaches a point where you find your self on you knees in prayer. Right now I’d say that’s been what I’m going through. Lots of extra work and overtime. Busy days with hectic schedules trying to accomplish what feels impossible. It wears on you. Working very hard to see results and seeing only a back log of work getting bigger can get discouraging. That’s not to mention long hours and little time to relax.
Its come to my realization that much of these lessons, and the growing difficulty in them, has been me not relying on God enough. Like Paul said about the thorn in his flesh, Gods grace is enough. God is big enough to get me through the trial.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says:
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. ”
One thing that is prevelant when enduring a trial is the desire to be snatched out of it. But more and more I read God’s word, the more I see him providing us a way to “stand up under it.” Ephesians 6: 10-18 tells us to be “Strong in the Lord and his mity power” and “when you’ve done everything to stand, Stand firm then…” We have a built in reliance on God which we very rarely acknowledge and less often rest on. It allows us to stand when we can stand no more. It lets us endure when we just can’t another day. It lets us push on for another day when we just want to lay down and rest. I’m learning more and more this. And every time I think I have this lesson learned and applied in my life, I find God steps it up a noch and stretchs me a bit more. Good lessons.
Tired
Havent’ had much ambition to post much, or do much of anything lately. I’m on week 5 of 12 hour days for work. Very tired and tend not to sleep much now days and its looking like we are gonna have to do this for quite some time. I long for sleep and more over just to spend more time with my wife.
